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Posted by on Feb 16, 2016 in The Quest Project | 0 comments

When Is Abandonment Good?

When is Abandonment Good? - Clayton Lessor

The issue of abandonment is high with troubled teenage boys. Naturally, when I come across a title on an article that reads “What It Really Means When a Father Abandons His Children, I’m going to read it!

Gone Husband – Abandonment

This Mom was talking about how her husband of eight years said he was going to the grocery store and never returned. They have two children, a three year old daughter and seven month old son. What I found more disturbing was as she put it “after years of trying unsuccessfully to leave him because of the abuse and injuries she had been living with” he had abandoned them.

If you follow me at all, you more than likely imagine this struck a nerve for me. I lived with a Mom that “tried” to leave an abusive husband and father. I only wish my dad had abandoned us. Only then would we have been safe and free of a life of fear and worry. We (me, my sister and brother) worried every day for not only our safety but our mothers.

Move On

I say to this mom, you and your children now have an opportunity to be closer to a normal life, so seize it! Consider that what you are missing is a husband and father fantasy; let the fantasy die. 

Remember not too long ago I referenced Patrick O’Sullivan’s article “Black and Blue.” in my blog Keeping Your Children Safe.  Patrick had to eventually remove himself from the abuse.  Unfortunately it took 16 yrs.  He had to put a stop to it; while everyone else, including his mother, looked the other way.  Again I say to this mother, and ask the question it sounds like some of her friends already have, “Aren’t you and your children better off?”

Children that live in a home where there is abuse witness spirit killing and suffer a deep wound.  That wound can lead to many wrong turns in life. 

Serious Outcomes

The most common outcome is PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).  Most commonly we hear about this from soldiers who have served in the military and been at war.  We don’t realize and consider that many children who grow up in homes where there is abuse can suffer the same disorder our servicemen do having fought in a war.  What does that tell you.

In my forthcoming book “Saving Our Sons” you’ll read a case study about a young man who showed PTSD symptoms since the age of 18 months old.  His anger and rage would take away his childhood. 

Second Chances

One thing you won’t hear me say is that abandonment is good.  In this case however, unless the father left to get help or treatment for his abusive behaviors, I say I’m glad he left.  Mom get busy and get some counseling and work through the grief.  Then enjoy your children, now that you have a second chance!

Have you read this article?  What’s your opinion-I’d like to hear your comments.

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Clayton Lessor
Clayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of "Generation of Men: How to raise your son to be a healthy man among men" and “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Dr. Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 The Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years. Dr. Clay is a member of the Steering Committee for The Coalition to Create a White House Council for Boys and Men.
Clayton Lessor
Clayton Lessor

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