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Posted by on Sep 11, 2021 in adult, Generation of Men, men, Parenting Tips, Saving Our Sons, The Quest Project, women | 0 comments

Cleaning Up Unfinished Business!

Parents this one’s for you!  This blog is dedicated to those of us who need to “clean up” that unfinished business that keeps us from being the best mother, father, husband, wife, friend, brother, or sister we can be!

Life is a journey and each of us possesses our own unique journey.  As many of you who follow me know, mine was growing up in an abusive, alcoholic home.  I could, and likely will, write a book on the adventurous life I lead to get to the place I am today.

Cleaning it Up!

So what do I mean when I say “clean up the unfinished business?”  Let’s start by thinking about a few examples:

  • Did your mom or dad beat the tar out of you when you were young (mentally or physically)?
  • Did you get blamed for something you didn’t do?
  • Were you bullied or harassed by a friend or relative?
  • Were you made to feel you weren’t good enough by someone you looked up to?

These are just a few that come to mind, but you get the idea.  Someone hurt you and likely never took accountability or offered an apology.   We risk carrying that pain into our adult life if unresolved.  It may take on the look of stress, depression, addiction (sex, food, drugs or alcohol), divorce etc., because you “stuffed” the feelings.  Time to get it cleaned up!

The How-The Why-The When

How?  I recommend that you begin to draft a letter to the person(s) that hurt you.  First write down what happened and how you were hurt.  Remind them of the role they played and exactly how it was hurtful to you, hold them accountable!  After you’ve gotten your thoughts on paper, go back and tidy it up; it’s best to accomplish this with the help of a counselor, mentor, or trusted friend.  It is emotional, and the process is, and feels messy at first.  The result is it’s also very cathartic to release those “stuffed” feelings.

Why?  We all deserve to live a life free of past pain(s).  If we don’t let go of our childhood traumas it follows us into our adult life and frankly creates issues with our own children, partners, friends, family members and those we hold dear.  Time to clean it up!

When?  Don’t waste any more time.  Life’s too short!  Remember, not all letters are meant to be sent, maybe the person is no longer alive, or they are unsafe in some way.  This process is for YOU not them!

The only way to heal is to rip the band aid off the wound, clean it up, give it some air and feel how wonderful it is to finally scab over and be gone!

Clayton Lessor
Clayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of "Generation of Men: How to raise your son to be a healthy man among men" and “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Dr. Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 The Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years. Dr. Clay is a member of the Steering Committee for The Coalition to Create a White House Council for Boys and Men.
Clayton Lessor
Clayton Lessor

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