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Posted by on Sep 25, 2018 in Boys at School, From Boy to Man, Parenting Tips, Saving Our Sons, The Quest Project, Tips for Moms, Uncategorized | 0 comments

Seven and 8 of 9 Reasons ALL Boys Need a Rite-of-Passage

In last week’s blog I covered “the gift” and “empathy.”  One of my favorite moments when I’m working with young men is the moment they “lay claim” to their “gift!”  The sense of empowerment allows them to embrace life and be more confident.  It sets a perfect stage to move on to 7 & 8 (relationships and a value system) of the 9 reasons all boys need a modern-day rite-of-passage. 

Relationships

7.) Young men are curious about relationships and what it means to be in a relationship. To love and be in-love with someone, and the difference between the two.

Obviously the first step in this conversation is to be sure it’s age appropriate.  The younger boys age 11-13 are still not sure they want any part of a relationship, and that’s okay.  Be assured they are looking, watching and observing from every angle (home, T.V., social media and YouTube)!

The older boys age 14-18 are very interested and need to understand what “love” is; “a choice, an intense feeling of deep affection.” And being “in love” is “a profound passionate infatuation for another person;” typically starts the beginning of a 4-6-month (average) relationship.

The difference in the two, “love goes beyond the physical presence to a deeper feeling of seeing past flaws and deep level of trust and commitment (a choice).”

Communication is vital at this age; this is the time he’ll face his first “broken heart.” If you’re like me those are hard to forget but a necessary part of life and life lessons!  Hopefully what we learn are things that didn’t work, we’re more informed, and that leads to the next important piece…values!

A Value System

8.) Boys need to know and understand their value system; they need to identify their core values and how important they are in their life, and in their relationships.

In The Quest Project® I teach core values using rite-of-passage processes.  Boys identify the most important and least important values to them.  These are just some of a very long list of values that I like to see on the list:

  • Humility-by understanding his unique gifts.
  • Compassion-by healing his own wound.
  • Contentment-by establishing his values.
  • Grit, determination & diligence-by setting his goals.
  • Self-discipline & impulse control-by understanding and safely dealing with anger.
  • Courage & honesty-by having these in the “tool box.”
  • Dependability-by goal setting and mission.
  • Leading & following-by learning conflict resolution.
  • Proactive-by creating his purpose=mission.
  • Serenity– by learning forgiveness.
  • Patience-by understanding his anger shadow.
  • Kindness to self and others-by building a safe container.
  • There’s integrity, gratitude, adaptability, sense of curiosity & wonder, optimism & positivity, endurance, respect, and hope.

Does your son know his value system?  Do you have conversation about core values and their importance?  It’s an important step that shouldn’t be missed!

And finally, next week I cover #9-life mission!

Clayton Lessor
Clayton Lessor, PhD in education and counseling, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice. He is author of “Saving Our Sons: A Parent's Guide to Preparing Boys for Success." Clay has seen over 2000 boys since 2000 and facilitated over 300 Quest Project groups. Boys attend a 10-week "boys to men program" where they and their parents will learn the tools needed to get through these turbulent teen years.
Clayton Lessor
Clayton Lessor

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